Verbal Irony

An essay for english.


The clock ticking was the first thing that brought my attention back to reality, finding my way out of the trance the book had cast on me. I was reading The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown. I turned to see some guy approach me and sit down next to me. I smiled at him, showing acceptance. He was quick to start talking and I didn’t mind, company is intended to be a good thing. “Hello, my name’s E.“ I responded to his sudden exposure and replied with my name. He seemed to be my age, or maybe a bit older, and with short hair. His body was a bit bulkier than mine, but lacked muscle. He smiled and asked me what book I was reading. I showed him the cover and he was set back a little, like I just pulled a gun on him. “Doesn’t that book kind of offend you?” I looked at him with a bewildered expression. “You know. It’s kind of offensive to us Christians.”
“Oh, I guess, but I’m not a Christian,” I replied, and continued on with my “offensive” book.
“Well are you a Catholic?” Obviously he was taught that Christians and Catholics follow different religions.
“No, I’m not that either.”
“Muslim? Jew? Buddhist?” I felt my face blush a little, in annoyance. Why did it matter to him so much?
“I’m actually an Atheist.”
“You’re atheist?!” His eyes widened like his precious church had just burned down. I simply nodded at him and continued with my book. A couple beautiful seconds of peace passed. He was probably thinking of some rebuttal during this time. Then again, he brought up the subject, “Wait so, you don’t believe in God?” I shook my head and grinned at him. I can’t recall if it was a grin or a “piss off, I’m trying to read” kind of face. Maybe it was the second one, since he took it as a challenge. “That’s hilarious!” he obnoxiously exclaimed, I was drowned, barely an exaggeration, in spit. I shrugged my shoulders and gave him another “grin.” “I guess that explains your tight pants huh?” I rolled my eyes, I was used to such comments, but then he sniggered a little and added more to it, “By the way, are you gay? Cause, I’m gonna sit over there if you are.” He pointed to a seat on the opposite side of the library.
I turned my head at him and said, “No, sir, I am not gay. But you moving would be fine with me.”
His joyful face turned to a more serious one. His ignorance was visible in his eyes, nicely complementing the arrogance shown on his face. “Well it doesn’t matter, either way you’re going to burn at the hands of the devil.“ A smirk made its way onto my face. “Oh so you’re smiling, try doing that while you’re on fire!” I brushed off his pathetic verbal assaults. Unfortunately, he kept going. “Just read the Bible! You’ll become a better person! Live a better life!” Every word was guided with as much stupidity as the last.
The difference between suggestion and demand didn’t exist in this guy. Who are you to even try to decide what I can or can not believe in? Or how I should or shouldn’t live. I thought to myself, that smirk still on my face. His rude remarks lasted for a good five minutes. Every small detail was commented about my Atheism and choice of style. “Dude, do you know how much sperm you’ve probably killed! Would you even be able to have sex? Even a lesbian would look twice before picking you!” I turned to him and smiled, straight into his face. I spied an inflammation in his cheeks and eyes and a small booger hanging around on his nostril.
“What are you staring at you faggot?” was his last remark, and then I got up. “You trying to fight me or something?”
“No, I just need to be somewhere.”
“What a wuss. I bet your boyfriends calling you.” I wish Adriana Lima and Angelina Jolie, arm in arm, opened the library doors at that very moment and called me over. Unfortunately, that wasn’t going to happen.
“I guess he is,” I responded, packing my bags. He smiled at me, satisfied with his victory. I walked past him but stopped right next to him and tapped his cheek. “You’re a cute kid, but do me a favour: don’t talk to strangers next time.” An indistinct word flew out of his mouth, prompting an older man to scold him. The constant smirk stayed on my face as I walked out of the library and enjoyed the rest of my day.